Dan Vs Fanfics
by Outskirts-of-Nowhere
Summary: Dan seeks revenge after reading a bad 'Population Control Johnny' fanfic. Will he succeed? Will Elise help? Will Chris finally impress Elise's father? Will Crunchy break the fourth wall? The answers to these questions and more lie here.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just something silly I started writing to help aliviate the stress of studying for finals. This story features a fanfiction within a fanfiction... (Ficception?), so if the the quoted writing is italics, then the grammar/ spelling mistakes are intentional. This fanfic is not a tirade against any particular writer. It's just a parody of bad fan fiction in general. Any similarities are probably unintentional, so don't get too mad if this sounds like something you wrote... that being said, if it does, then you might need some help with your story... but that's not the point. Anyway, I hope everyone enjoys this first chapter out of five. Remember to review. :)**

**Disclaimer: Neither Dan Vs. nor belong to me...obviously... **

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Dan stomped into his apartment, mumbling about a new addition to his list. "Stupid, lousy busses. They just always have to stop and drop off kids, don't they? And the cheat with their unfolding stop signs… why don't I have one of those?" He slammed the door and plopped onto his couch, narrowly avoiding a leftover plate and half eaten turkey sandwich.

"Can't believe I almost missed my stories…" He flipped his television on, just in time for the opening credits for "The Adventures of Population Control Johnny", his favorite show. He smiled a bit and relaxed. Mr. Mumbles, Dan's scraggly kitten, leapt onto his lap.

"Oh, hi, there Mr. Mumbles. Do you want to watch Johnny kill people, too?" he asked fondly. The cat was the only creature he couldn't get mad at. Mr. Mumbles relied with a quick "meow" as she settled down.

"Tonight's episode – Johnny and the Vacuum Repair Men…"

Dan watched excitedly as Johnny dished out punishment, jumping at the glorious sounds of gun shots, laughing hysterically the repair men attempted to defend themselves with dust busters, held his breath as Johnny cornered the last of his victims. "Well," Johnny said, menacingly. "It looks like another one," he put on a pair of sunglasses, "bit the dust!" After a loud bang, the credits rolled.

"Yeah!" Dan yelled, grinning. "Ha classic Johnny… bit the dust… ha."

"Next week on 'Population Controll Johnny' – 'Arrg!' 'Bam!' 'What?' 'Heeeeres Johnny!'" A flicker of preview images flashed across the screen. Dan flipped the TV off, sadly.

"You know, Mr. Mumbles, it's too bad there aren't more Johnny stories out there."

"Meow," Mr. Mumbles replied.

"I mean, I've read all the comics, watched all the movies and every episode of the show, but… I don't know, I just want more."

"Meow?"

"What?" Dan asked,"Fan work, you say? Mr. Mumbles, I have to say- that's a great idea!" Dan looked around for the computer Elise and Chris insisted he needed. He found it under a pile of trash and turned it on. Dan crossed his arms impatiently as a lagging loading screen popped up. Mr. Mumbles climbed up Dan's shoulder. After the computer started up, Dan clicked on the internet icon, and searched 'Population Control Johnny Fanfiction.' He looked at the top result.

"Fanfiction dot net, huh? You know, it's not a very creative site name, but it's straight forward and to the point. I like that. Let's see…" There were about twenty stories on the website. Dan started scanning the summeries.

"'_The origins of Dr. Karl'_… stupid. '_Who __really__ took Johnny's bullets'_… we found that out months ago. '_A series of drabbles'_…" Dan scratched his head. "What the heck are 'drabbles?'" He scrolled down until one grabbed his attention. "_'Johnny must face his past in order to defeat an old and powerful foe, Johnny xOc'_… I don't know what an xOc is, but that sounds awesome! And it's rated 'M' so it must be really gory and violent, right Mr. Mumbles?"

"Meow."

"I know, right? Let's read it." Dan clicked on the story and started reading out loud.

"_It was a day Johnny wouldn't never forget… the day he lost his long lost lost love_…" Dan blinked, annoyed by the redundancy and double negative. "Lost love?" he muttered, "Forget that, where's the action?"

"_Johnny steped out of the sadow's . Guns firing_. (That's a little better…) _Then suddenly, his long lost love, Jesicah Raindrop stepped in front of him… 'John! You don't have to kill poeple, anymore, you have me! She said. Then Jonny embraced Jesikah and kissed her lips passionately_… wait, what?"

Dan read the rest of the chapter, finding, to his horror, there was almost nothing but kissing in the 'sadow's' and some chick named Jesikah or Jesicah stealing the show. Silently fuming, he read the next chapter, and the next, and the next. He made a disgusted face as he skimmed over what he assumed won the story its 'M' rating. He read angrily as Jesicah controlled everything while Johnny doted on her. His face grew redder until he reached the last line of the story.

"_I love you more tahn gun's, Jesikah,said Johnny as he kissed her again_. _Plz review! No flamerz!_ … WHAT? What sort of horrible ending is that?" Dan yelled at the screen. Mr. Mumbles, who had fallen asleep, looked up, curiously.

"That's it! You get an awful review!" Dan began typing, "This story is a mockery of all things sacred. Johnny is reduced to a lobotomized tool and Jesikah, or 'Jesicah' as she is also called, is the most annoying character ever. The plot is idiotic and the faceoff promised in the summery never happens, instead it is replaced with clunky, awkwardly written romance. In addition, your story is riddled with grammar and spelling mistakes that a third grader could have corrected. In short, this story is an insult to both the English language and any true Johnny fan. In other words – YOU SUCK!" Dan pressed the submit button, feeling a bit better. But a moment later, an error message popped up. "Anonymous reviews are disabled… Aw, C'MON!"

Infuriated, Dan picked up his computer's monitor and tossed it out his window. He smiled triumphantly until the sound of a car alarm and shattering glass pierced the air. Dan's eyes widened, "Oh no!" Dan ran outside and down his stairs. "Oh, no! Not again!" He jumped the last step to the sidewalk, horrified at what sat in front of him.

"MY CAR!" Dan stared at the broken windshield, the dented hood, the shattered glass, and the computer monitor that caused it all. "You!" cried Dan, pointing at the screen. "This is all your fault! You and your crumby story!"

Dan fell to his knees and yelled at the sky, "FANFICTION!"

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**A/N: More to come soon. **


	2. Chapter 2

Dan stood outside Chris's house, repeatedly ringing the door bell. He didn't care if it was late at night – Chris wouldn't answer his phone, so he had to pay the price. After waiting a few seconds, Dan rung the bell again for good measure. The door was finally answered, not by Chris, as Dan had hoped, but by a very exasperated Elise. _No! Not you!_ Dan thought in annoyance.

"Where's Chris?" he asked. "I need him to help me exact sweet revenge!" Dan raised up a fist as he spoke, trying to illustrate his anger and determination. Elise, far too used to Dan's madness, simply crossed her arms and cocked her head.

"He already told you he's on a fishing trip with my dad this weekend. Think you can spare us the whole 'revenge' bit for two days?"

"What?" Dan asked, apparently unaware of Chris's weekend plans. "Fishing trip? That's just dumb. I need you to go get him so he can help me!" Dan tried entering the house, but Elise pressed the door half closed.

"No, Dan, this is Chris's chance to get on my Dad's good side!"

"You're Dad doesn't_ have_ a good side! Now, let. Me. In." Dan managed to shove his way through the door. Elise rolled her eyes and crossed her arms again.

"What exactly do you need, Dan?"

"What I need is vengeance!" Dan yelled, forgetting Elise's suggestion of using 'inside voices' within her and Chris's home. "Superzwriterzxoxo must pay for the atrocities they have committed against me and my car! Not to mention the disservice to the good name of _Population Control Johnny_ and the English Language as a whole!"

"What."

Dan sighed and began to repeat himself. "I said, 'what I need is vengeance! Superzwriterzxoxo must pay…"

"No, stop. What is super…z?" Elise asked, a bit uncertainly.

"Superzwriterzxoxo, they broke my car with their horrible writing. They probably broke poor Johnny's car too…" He shook his head sadly. "Such a horrible story about him."

It only took Elise a moment to connect the dots in Dan's rambling. "Dan, are you talking about fan fiction, here? How on Earth did a fan fiction writer break your car?"

"Well, see…" he began. "Never mind, just take my word for it. It was car-breakingly bad." He thought for a second, then said, "Actually, don't take my word for it. Here, look." He ran towards Elise's computer, and she, in a panic, ran after him.

"Dan, wait! I'm working on something!"

Dan stared at what looked like blue prints on Elise's monitor. "Is that a laser?"

Elise laughed nervously. "Ha, Dan, don't be silly. Why would I have something like that on my computer? Haha…" She clicked the close button and turned back to Dan. "So, _Population Control Johnny_, huh?" She typed on her keyboard, finding the list of stories. "Hmm… this one?"

Dan glared at the summery. "That's the one."

Elise made a face as she read. "This really is pretty awful… though I don't see how it broke your car." She scrolled down, still with a look of disdain. "You know, it's weird, but I feel like I've seen something like this before… no. Couldn't be. No!"

"What?" Dan asked.

"I've read something… something like this before… by this very author." Elise's eyes grew distant and pained as she looked far off in the distance.

"Elise? You okay?"

"It was two years ago," Elise began, oblivious to Dan's arm waving in front of her face. "I had just watched the last movie in my all time favorite spy trilogy – The Night of Espionage."

"Oh, I liked that one too! Lots of good action scenes, thought the lead actress was a bit-"

"Later that night. I was so pumped about the movie… but they left the final scene open ended. All I wanted was a solid conclusion… that's all. So I turned to the internet for comfort. But I didn't find anything of value, just… IT." Elise shuddered. "IT was quite possibly the worst thing I've read in my life. It tainted my perception of all the main characters and now, I can't even watch my beloved movies without remembering." She looked down sadly.

"So I guess you know what this means, right Dan?"

"There should be a Population Control Johnny / the Night of Espionage crossover because they share a fanbase?"

Elise blinked. "No, that would be a terrible idea! It would be like crossing a show about colorful horses with a show about some mildly sociopathic dwarf!"

"I'd watch that," Dan asserted. "So what did you mean?"

"I meant I'll help you exact revenge on… super…writers…z?"

"Superzwriterzxoxo? Really? You'll help?"

"Yeah, this one's personal. Now first thing's first. Let me work on the computer for just a second."

"What?" Dan asked. "C'mon, Elise. This whole mess is the computer's fault in the first place!" He leaned over her shoulder watching as she manipulated a long stream of zero's and one's. "So what was your crappy fanfic about?"

"Some girl name… what was it? Jessica Analizabeth Rane Sunshinesparkle the Third."

"That's a mouthful."

"Yeah," Elise agreed. "Most OC's have ridiculous names- Enoby, Moonbeam Dancer, Estu… the list goes on and on." She squinted her eyes and typed a bit more. "Anyway, she was just some Mary Sue who took over the whole darn thing, and then …there was just no plot to speak of, no conflict… actually, it only had one of the characters in it, for the most part, and he was just some random back ground guy. The only time the main characters showed up, you would wish they hadn't."

"That's dumb…"

"Well, fleshing out a character that's usually in the background can be interesting, but the way it was executed…Ah! Got it."

"Got what?"

"Address. I hacked super…z… whatever's account and then her email address and found it. She lives about two hours out from here, so let's get going."

"Elise," Dan began," Why do you know how to do that again?"

Elise looked up, putting on her most innocent face. "No reason. So we're taking my car?"

"Yeah, mines still broken," Dan pouted.

"Well let's go then. I want to tell this 'author' exactly what I think of her story." And with a gleam in her eye, Elise ran out her front door, ready to take on whatever the bowls of fan fiction heck could throw at her.


End file.
